October 24, 2023 P.M

I am not  questioning my sexuality now, but not the romance, part of my life. It’s not that I’m not a loyal person. It’s just

the way my brain is wired I can be loyal to more than one person. And love in the more than one person but I am not too sure if that is right for me. Also, I know it’s right it’s an answer. I need to scratch right away and it’s something I have to experiment with sooner or later something that needs to be showing the hell I am human I am who I am in the first place just the 23 chromosomes from mom 23 chromosomes from dad that stress about the size of it. It’s not a Matter of adultery, or anything or cheating it’s just a way of the way my brain thing sometimes is that I am a very unique person and I am who I am to begin with and take a leave it kind of thing and I just think that I should not be anchored down to one person as much as I love that one person it’s just the way I am genetically wired. I don’t know how to say this, but that’s what it is and I’ve been looking at all aspects of my life and my psyche and genetics basically getting to know myself very well and I think this might be a mysterious part of my personality that I need to address one of these days that I might be Poly. That has nothing to do with the way I look but it does have the way I feel about myself and that I feel I should be more unique, and that there should be more open relationship not just a relationship. I cannot do monogamy very well. Let’s just put it that way. Nothing to do. It’s not having a commitment. It’s just said I have to have commitments to other people to. 

This is the way I’ve been wired is just so I have been wired if anyone has a problem with that I would rather they not talk about it because it is my DNA. Just like my race if you want to have a problem with me being poly am, then I might suggest that you may want to go somewhere else to have a chat with someone else is going to be more considerate and more kinder to you because I don’t like people who say well you can only love one person or if you’re going to be a judge metal son of a gun I don’t think this is the right plan it for you as this is a human planet as well as the animal planet animals can be probably too sometimes some to stick to one partner but like humans some also have many lovers and stay that way. It’s just the way life is supposed to go about things. And I’m just trying to experiment with a polyamorous aspect see if it’s gonna be a part of my life with her. I like to see other people as well as seeing my boyfriend or if I should just stick with my boyfriend I know I have to follow my heart, but my heart says maybe other people would be nice to you as well because I don’t always get to see my boyfriend.

I have no mad influences in my life. I just wanna know what other aspects of my life can be shown to the world. But this right now I may have to keep it under wraps until I am able to figure it out for myself the polyamorous part it is very interesting idea to see where my brain hurts me and what I learn about myself. I must know more about myself. It’s just the way things are with me because it’s the philosophy that I had to have adopted that you must know every detail about yourself, so you know how to be courageous and good in the first place. Only bad people will only know very little about themselves, and would not be able to figure themselves out that’s why they’re so evil in the first place but I just want to figure myself out before whenever I find out that special someone. I might have found that special someone, but there might be another special someone I just don’t know for a fact, unless I give it a whirligig. (Try). I just like to try different things so I know who the hell I am in the first place it has nothing to do with kink or anything, I just think that love can come in different directions and from different people at the same time I just believe that some people have many friends and some people both have have many friends and many lovers. It’s just the way things are sometimes it’s just some people treat loves like the friendships they have that you can have as many as you can. It doesn’t mean that you’re an awful person that just means that something you want to experience experiment with this is something that I’ve been scratching my head about for the past few months.

As you can see, I have a very strange outlook with the pictures that I post here that I have a very obscure outlook on life that not very many people would think is either variant orthodox. I’m not a very orthodox person to begin with. I am more of person who wants to be a human being and not fit in Lenore Minnesota society and if they Norazo society means you have to stick to one person then I’d rather in cash tell society to f*ck off. Especially the religious people iPhone they tell you you can’t be poly or you can’t be LGBTQ old are you can’t be very much of anything but I am walking iPad or a walk-in computer which is kind of sad. That’s what I think about almost religions is making you into a human computer where you cannot feel anything. And that you cannot express yourself in anyway and you cannot whatever makes you a human is in the fall. It’s kind of sad to tell you the truth in that what society has adopted, I must tell someone about this later on I just don’t know if this is the right idea for me yet but anyways, let’s see what goes on. I am a loyal person, but as I said that there are people in society who are ultra society and completely insane about mores in the norms and stuff, and I’m not one for norms or sitting and or conforming if I remember correctly, my mother telling me many times to fit in. God bless her soul. And that we would have real big fight over there this is the only time me and my mother would ever fight about anything would be over kind of fit in with people are trying to fit in with society, some things that I completely against to begin with.

I was never really wanted to confirm even Catholic school. This is some thing that I do not conform to is what other people think of me. I remember it on cobra Kai, that Terry Silver, and I’m sorry for spoiling this on you, but anyways that if you care about how other people think of you in any aspect of life that you were actually that’s a complete opposite you actually lose when you actually care about what other people think of of you or how you live your life just as long as you’re well within the lol I think you’re fine with not trying to get into trouble with anyone or not hurting anyone, so I don’t bother dealing with the actual crap of saying that lotion conform either. I just think I love you should be able to be what it is in the first place like a human is Canby versatile, and I can be buried if you want. That being said lotion, not heard anyone that being said oh, so that means it Has to be over the age of 21 for someone to see who they truly are first before they can find out it’s just the way I’ve been raised and the way I men taught that the law is that you are told that once you’re 18 you can go wild. Unless you’re 18 you can’t go completely nuts and I’ve been very conversative and confused for the first 18 years of my existence not only did I realize that I might be who I am even though I’m 34 years old. I’m still trying to figure out where I am in my places in this world, Weatherby job wise or otherwise I just think I’d like to know who the hell am I.

As you can see, I keep posting my pictures of the different artwork I did when I was about 18 or 20 years old they look kind of unusual, but they are pretty interesting. I will write more about them later on they are like separated. Colours are very interesting and that’s what I think. Society is a separating people from who they really are two who they have to be and that’s kind of sad to be honest with you. That’s why I keep showing you these pictures. If you want to see them they’re very interesting they’re a show of confusion in this life. That I’ve had to deal with us for the past 34 years now 30 for now, but at the time 21 years of being on this planet I always like doing different artworks and stuff but now I do more traditional stuff like writing and drawing and doing tattoo design instead of speaking of which I should show you what my tattoo looks like in the first place that I’m going to get it, but I will show it to you the day of the tattoo. But that’s the side the beside the point.

This would be another picture where I think I am splitting not my personality but yes, the aspects of who I am in the aspects of what society wants me to be. I use a lot of reds and blues because it has important the blue been well. They’re both good pictures, but they have to be a happy medium with what society wants the world to be like and what the world or human I should say wants to be like in the first place if you’re not breaking the law in anyway I find that you should be able to get away with it if it’s not too ridiculous and I don’t think poly am is very ridiculous in the first place. So that had to be said, I am just going to be polyamorous one day. I might come out like that one day it’s not like I haven’t talk to my actual mother she’s already knowing this from reading my mind as a ghost, she died a year ago on July 20 which was a real shit day for me when I found out about her death. Yeah, that wasn’t exactly my cup of tea and dealing with stuff that I didn’t wanna have to deal with like a bull of western ideas of death, which is that is final and that you have to go to these damn funerals and then you have to have these damn headstones with that there’s no darn ghosts. Well, I’m sorry that’s kind of the opposite in this way of thinking, as I am more eastern in my way of thinking and more eastern in my way of believing in things it’s just the way it is that is my genetics there .

I was wondering why I was having problems with relationships and this is one of the reasons why I think I might be having problems with relationships because I am polyamorous and that being said, I don’t know very much about it, except that you have more than one partner, which is fine. That being said, I don’t think I’m going to turn back from this. I cannot take just one person at a time it’s just the way I am. Wish to have more than one person friend let’s put it that way and be able to date them without having to deal or deal with all God did I just see something stupid one really it’s just the way the human race is brought up that being said I don’t think that I’m going to go monotonous on my relationships. It’s just the way it is! Again, this has nothing to do with me being off or punk or anything for that matter. On the way I look there can be completely normal people who look like boring people who happened to be poly. It has nothing to do with sex either it’s just that you enjoy the company of other people Too.

When I think about the many things about my aspects of my personality, I find that my personality is very more than one dimensional. I know lotta people have mentioned that I have read books that have one dimensional character is by far is the character in the book I would be more than one dimensional speaking of which in my erotica I was able to finish the first chapter, and I was very interesting on the last to see that I was finished the first rapper. Do you want to read this right now I can show the chapter to you.  It isn’t as racy as you think

‘"Hear comes that new hard ass," my boyfriend Alex, said.   Looking looking at the new sensei who will be teaching our class for the first time. "What do you think of him, he's going to be annoying."

I looked at him, joe, who was the sensei.  He was giving me what looked the dirtiest look, but I didn't think of him.     He was handsome but I agreed with Alex.    Then when to kiss him, why not he was my boyfriend.  But soon, I was asked to go into the office and stop fooling around?   I guess Alex would have to wait.    But I did not know what to except from joe.  May I was going to be scolded for making during karate class.   

I walk-in to the Sensei's office........

" why are you dating him?" Sensei Joe asked. " you look too beautiful to have that little boy with you." 

Alex was the same age as me, but then he caressed my face, telling me about my beauty.....I did not know to be creeped out or flattered.   He had such a gentle touch to him.   He was at least 50, and I was 20.   But then I always wanted to be with an older Japanese man....but did not thing about that until now.     I though this would be the last of the fling.   

He kissed me sweetly and deeply, I wanted to make out with him.

"Call me joe," he said.   " or sensei?" He pulled me closer to him.   

I did not at this point that my boyfriend was watching the whole love act.   I closed my eyes, and let him kiss me.   "Make love to me sensei!"

The one thing about Alex was that he didn't want to make love yet.  But I was ready.   I didn't know why.   

"Oh,I plan to make love you!" Joe said.   As he was kissing me he dropped his gi pants and started to feel me up.  "I want you,  johnnie!"

Soon I started to get into my underwear and soon I he was insane me.    Even then, he felt good and was gentle.  "Joe, make love to me!"

Soon he started to get into me harder and harder, but not fast.   

"I like goth girls"

"You do, how nice"

" how about that I give you a private less tonight"

"Sounds hot"

"I thinks too?"he said.  "Such a cute black belt."

" your hot too"

I wanted to bite his lip gently as we made made out.   The love making was intense especially when he noticed my shaved head.

"Looks good on you."

"Thanks sensei"

"I like your piercings, johnnie"

"Really" I said licking my lips. 

"Johnnie you too beautiful," he said kissing my neck.  "Want to be with me" 

With out thinking I said yes.  Not thinking of Alex, what was I going to do.   That was wheni noticed him staring at us the whole and didn't look all that impressed.   Fuck me what came to my mind when I saw him so defeated.   Did I hurt him, I was just following Sensei's instructions to go to the office.

That night alex and I went to walk home but was tense, he did not talk to me as he usually did.

"Alex, why are you giving me the silent treatment."

"Well isn't it obvious," he said. "You have a choose soon."

"It was a mistake" I sobbed.

"It was a mistake that you were passionately in love with the new sensei."

" no I am not," I had to clarify.

"Choose me and everything will be good." He demanded.    I did not take him for the jealous type.

"Youu have to choose me instead," I screamed.   I was never so upset in my life.

"Me!!!" He yelled.   

But the truth I wasn't regretting the "fling" I had with joe.  It was the first time that I was in love, and satisfied. With the love was real I'd did not thing about that.   But I wanted pursue joe for now.

"I have to go," I said to Alex.   The went back to my house that I shared with a roommate.  My roommate was good person, at least she  did judge me.   So I told her exactly what was happening. Joan was a goth girl like me, and know what it was like to be judged.

"So Alex is telling me to be with him but I want to be with joe." I said to Joan.  

"Fuck him," Joan said.   "Do you have anywhere to go soon. "

"Ummmmm, yes," I said.  " I have a private lesson with joe, later this evening."

"Oh really!" joan said.

"Yes!"

"You have to tell how it is." Joan said. 

"I don't kiss and tell." I said.   

Before I had Joan to check if Alex was looking at the house.  It was getting dark.  So afraid of Alex's anger I decided. To have Joan walk with me to the dojo.  

When we got there I didn't have to be annoyed with Alex and his annoying behaviour.  I could not have to be with him if I did not want to be with him in the first place.   We were high school friends but he forced his feeling on me.   But I did not know how he'd react.  So I just text him.

Hey Alex sorry about the other night trying to see how he'd react, surprisingly

It's ok johnnie.

Really, thank you.   

Note that I love  you :)

When I realized that I had to hide  this private lesson so I said this.

I a, currently at the movie theatre and going to watch the new saw 10, so that being said we are just waiting to get our popcorn.   Talk in a few hours;)

Looks like I was going to have to spent the whole night on Netflix to watch shitty version of the saw X.   Which was  not my coup of tea.

"You're going to have to go to the cinema to smell like popcorn." I told Joan.   

"Ok?!, I will" she said. 

" sorry but I have to lie." And that was said in my head to as I did not want to lie to someone who was was gentle in personality.  But I had to.   Had he known what I was doing then he kill me and kill me again.  In other words I would be in shit.   My friend and high school sweetheart would be annoying me for the whole time. 

"Have a good time!" Joan winked at me.

I felt a rush of desire and excitement, at the thought of being with Joe.    But I did not know how Alex would react, he was very emotional, and that was when I had the fling.   How would he react that this was not a fling any more! I wanted to not to lie but I had to choose but I had to choose to lie for now.   I didn't like the idea of lying, but I think I might be in love with joe.  I did not know about him or his past, except that he was Japanese American and a karate instructor.   

I was hesitant about going back in the dojo but I was desiring joe more then Alex.  At least  he can satisfy me in ways that Alex couldn't.  Alex had a code about not having sex until after marriage.  Which was nice at first.....but a girl has urges, and wanted passion.   I did not how I was going to explain this to Alex, except for the fact that I was 20.   

I had now desire to go to college, or anything where Alex was the opposite, karate was my life.   Alex thought I was being lose but little did he I know what was going to happen in the first place.  He thought I was being a slut. Something I am not.

Let's say that his family was to tight in the first place, but that I mean conversation but not politically, just life style was.  How could I date someone who is.....boring.   

Thank good I was twenty and was able to live on my own, because if my mom knew that I lied about  this I would be sweet shit.  I did not what to think how she would react.  Let's say that my mother and I never got along since my first period.   As in the monthly.  Since then I was going by the beat of my own drummer.  I wanted not to think about how she would make a big deal about this!

When I was just going into the dojo I got a text from Alex.....oh god!

Hope you enjoy the movie!

Damn what was going to to tell him 

Sorry Alex I lied about this and wanted to be with joe instead that was what was going though my head, Damn!  How was I going to do anything but to but I had to turn of the freaking phone, if he called and heard joe in the background he would have a shit fit.  But I did one better , I threw out my 1000 phone.   

How was going to tell the phone provider...... hmmmm.”

This being said, I will be starting one chapter at the end of the day and finishing it off for updating it in the morning because I’m kind of bored and I like to